A letter to my dad

[nan0click]

Recently my parents and I have had some communication problems and it feels as if I no longer know my parents. We used to have a strong relationship but as I progress through adolescence, we are becoming further and further apart. I have plans to move out within a few months of me turning 18 even though I will still have at least a semester of high school left to finish. Why am I posting something so personal like this on an overclocking forum? Because I don't know you. Things I say here will most likely not get back to anyone I know in real life, and even if it does the people reading this board, I don't care if they know or not. My mom confronted me, well, confront is not the right word, she simply asked me if I smoked (cigarettes), I told them honestly yes. She said I have to tell my dad by Friday, so this is the email I sent him. I emailed him because I don't know how he will react and hope maybe you parents and possibly those who have gone through something similar can give advice on the next steps after reading the email. I am sure there is going to be some family conference type thing between me and my parents in a few days where they will give me a "talk" and I was wondering what can I say to them without sounding disrespectful to them. Keep in mind my parents are hardcore conservitive right wing evangelical Christians (Souther Baptist to boot).

 

Here is the email -

 

Mom and I were talking the other day and she asked me if I smoked. She said she saw a lighter in my car while she was looking for coupons. I told her, yes I do, I was honest, I did not lie to her. I have not made any attempts to cover it, no excessive body spray or anything of the sort. She said I had to tell you myself because she felt if she told you, it would be tattling or something of that sort. It was my choice to try it, and it is my choice to continue, I was not pressured by friends into trying it in the first place, no one ever offered me a smoke, I simply asked to try it on my own. It was out of curiosity, it has such a stigma around it, I wanted to see if it was really as "evil" as it is made out to be. It is not the popular thing to do, most people could care less whether or not you smoke at school, so it was a decision I made not for gaining respect, or status, but again it was out of curiosity. I can see the argument from both sides, since you know I used to vehemently dislike smoking myself, now its something I do in moderation, I know non-smokers don't like the smell, and I respect that, but I also know it is a personal choice and so long as I am not affecting others around me, it is my personal choice to make.

 

Perhaps you are reading this in shock and disappointment, wondering why I can't just walk up to you and tell you this in person. Ever since I came forward to you and mom and told you that I was an Atheist (Agnostic at the time, but now I feel even more secure in my decision), there had been a barrier between us. You always told me how happy you were when I made opinions about political issues, you loved it when I would talk about listening to WBAP hosts like Sean Hannity, because, it seems, all my opinions matched, or were very close to yours. Now as I am taking on my own views and outlook on the world, it feels that the respect you once had for me developing my own opinions has disappeared, now instead of a pat on the back for coming to a controversial decision myself, I am told I am questioning, or I am rebelling. Perhaps it is rebellion, but only in the sense that I am trying to become myself, to be my own person shaped by my experience and surroundings, not the experiences of others. I don't know how you will react anymore, sense I am no longer that "mini-you" where we were so similar. Perhaps you may be angry, at yourself, at me for doing something such as smoking, or forsaking your religion, but please don't. Instead of losing respect, and hating what I am, please respect my choices. I respect your rules, I go to church on Sundays, I will never smoke in front of you, or while we are out together, never at home, even down by the court at the end of the street. I was always told when I was younger that I was very mature for my age, and now it seems I am not mature enough to make choices about my religion. What about when I'm 18, 21, 40? I know I will always be your son, you and mom will always be my parents nothing has changed.

 

Do you still trust me? Perhaps this revelation of smoking has made you think I am dishonest. It really should do the exact opposite, there was no hesitation in my answer to mom when she asked me point blank whether I was smoking or not, and the only hesitation in writing this letter was if it was the proper way to go about telling you or not. I do not sneak out at night, I don't do drugs, and I have boundaries. I know this can be an expensive habit, hence the reason I have drawn very specific lines in my mind of how much is too much. $5 a day is way too much to be spending on something as dangerous as smoking, but $2.50? People spend more money on coffee every morning and it doesn't go as far and has the similar affects on ones appearance - yellowed teeth, bad breath and fuels the person's addiction to caffeine.

 

As I re-read what I have written, I feel as if I am trying to justify my choices, saying I am not as bad as other people, or that what I do is OK as long as it doesn't go to far. I am not trying to justify, I take responsibility for what I do, my choices are exactly that, my choices. No one else has made these decisions for me except for myself. I can't really think of what else to say to you without simply repeating myself so I will leave you with what I want you to take from this email.

 

Please respect that I do understand the decisions I make, and respect I am capable of making these decisions, I respect you, I respect and actually appreciate the fact that you have such strong convictions and beliefs in something, and all I ask is that you do the same for me. Anything I do is my personal choice, and just like a speeding ticket, I take full responsibility for whatever happens.

 

I still love you,

 

Mike

 

I have a minimum of 5 months left to stay at home assuming I am making enough money to afford somewhere else to live, possibly more time until I can afford to move out. I will be a senior in high school starting next August and will be 18 at the end of October.

Edited June 7, 2007 by nan0click

[coolcat97]

I never knew it was that big of a deal to be a smoker lol...

EDIT: Oh, you are smoking weed? I just re-read the top part.

Edited June 7, 2007 by coolcat97

[nan0click]

Not weed, cigarettes. Yes I know its bad, without criticizing my choice, is my approach to my parents ok?

Edited June 7, 2007 by nan0click

[ClayMeow]

It seems a little silly to me that you're emailing your own father who, from what I can gather, is still married to your mother and thus you're living in his house.

 

You state that you respect your father, but respect would be telling him in person. You also state that you're not trying to justify your actions, but that's also exactly what you're doing. In fact, the impression that comes across is that you're so afraid to confront your father because you know what you're doing is wrong; that that is why you must resort to email instead of a face-to-face discussion.

 

[coolcat97]

I don't understand:

"I will never do it in front of you."

 

Its not like, Hey dad, watch me play space monkey, maybe you'll die in 40 years from cancer...i guess what i'm saying is that its nothing to be that afraid and ashamed of.

[nan0click]

Even though they know something is going on, its not "real" to them until they see it, so if they don't have to see it, then its much less crushing. I had a talk with him for a while tonight and we wound up mostly discussing religion, he said he was glad that I respect them enough not to smoke around my family, he is more concerned with me going to Hell for being Atheist than he is dieing of lung cancer to put it simply.