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Official OCC Joke Thread

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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

 

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

 

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

 

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:

What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:

What is God's first name?'

 

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

 

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy....That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

 

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

 

How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

 

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

 

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

 

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

 

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

 

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

 

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

 

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:

'Run, Forrest, Run.'

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I found a tough cockroach the other day in my room... Was just about to pick it up and throw it out my bedroom until it seemed to figure out what was going on. It then proceeded to start hurling all kinds of abuse it me, cussing like you won't believe, saying what it would do to me, and my family and going on and on saying the meanest stuff you've ever heard... Next thing you know, it just spits on the floor and goes flying out the window...

 

Yip, there was a nasty bug going around that day

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Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better

programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come

to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the Judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They

type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for

several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the

competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the

electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God

announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show

what he has come up with.

Satin is visibly upset and cries, "I have nothing, I lost

it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then, " says God, "let us see if Jesus fared

any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in

vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pours forth

from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost

everything yet Jesus' program is Intact! How did he do it?"

God Chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus Saves."

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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided

to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

 

 

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much

will you charge me?"

 

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would

need was in the garage.

 

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband "Does she

realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

 

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

 

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those

dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

 

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're

finished already?" the startled husband asked.

 

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her

along with a ten dollar tip.

 

"And by the way, "the blonde added," it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"

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Lol yeah as soon as I saw Porch I knew I heard it before :P Good one Speed .

For those who didn't see my post in the Bin Laden thread , I'll post here .

 

Theres a new drink at bars now . Its called the Bin Laden . Two shots and a splash of water

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Sorry about the caps, i just ctrl c ctrl v'ed it.

 

> OUTSIDE ENGLAND \'S BRISTOL ZOO THERE IS A PARKING LOT FOR 150 CARS

> AND 8 BUSES. FOR 25 YEARS, ITS PARKING FEES WERE MANAGED BY A VERY

> PLEASANT ATTENDANT. THE FEES WERE 1 FOR CARS ($1.40), FOR BUSES

> (ABOUT $7).

>

> THEN, ONE DAY, AFTER 25 SOLID YEARS OF NEVER MISSING A DAY OF WORK,

> HE JUST DIDN\'T SHOW UP; SO THE ZOO MANAGEMENT CALLED THE CITY

> COUNCIL AND ASKED IT TO SEND THEM ANOTHER PARKING AGENT..

>

> THE COUNCIL DID SOME RESEARCH AND REPLIED THAT THE PARKING LOT WAS

> THE ZOO\'S OWN RESPONSIBILITY. THE ZOO ADVISED THE COUNCIL THAT THE

> ATTENDANT WAS A CITY EMPLOYEE. THE CITY COUNCIL RESPONDED THAT THE

> LOT ATTENDANT HAD NEVER BEEN ON THE CITY PAYROLL..

>

> MEANWHILE, SITTING IN HIS VILLA SOMEWHERE ON THE COAST OF SPAIN (OR

> SOME SUCH SCENARIO), IS A MAN WHO\'D APPARENTLY HAD A

> TICKET MACHINE INSTALLED COMPLETELY ON HIS OWN; AND THEN HAD SIMPLY

> BEGUN TO SHOW UP EVERY DAY, COMMENCING TO COLLECT AND KEEP THE

> PARKING FEES, ESTIMATED AT ABOUT $560 PER DAY -- FOR 25 YEARS.

> ASSUMING 7 DAYS A WEEK, THIS AMOUNTS TO JUST OVER $7 MILLION

> DOLLARS!

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A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.

 

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

 

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."

 

Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and ate them.

 

Two lessons here:

1.. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2.. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

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If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and

Thinking things through, you will love this!

 

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a

Wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he

Meant business.

 

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little

Surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?

 

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back

In two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four

weeks' pay.

 

Now GET OUT and don't come back.

 

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and

Asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

 

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the supermarket. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the supermarket...

 

Dear Mrs Jacobs, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

 

JUNE 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

 

JULY 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

JULY 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

 

JULY 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

 

AUGUST 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a box of SMARTIES on lay-buy.

 

AUGUST 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

AUGUST 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

 

AUGUST 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" Paramedics were called.

 

SEPTEMBER 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

 

SEPTEMBER 10: While handling knifes in the kitchen department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 

OCTOBER 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

 

OCTOBER 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

 

OCTOBER 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

 

OCTOBER 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'*

 

OCTOBER 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

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