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Told my girlfriend something I probably shouldn't have


psycho_terror
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i won't beat around the bush here, i told my girlfriend i'd slept with a prostitute. although it was about 5 years before we started dating it's becoming an issue.

 

now frankly while i do expect a few replies here condemning my behaviour that's really not what i need to hear. it was while i was on holday in amsterdam, and it was more of a tourist thing. i didn't go there to visit a prostitute and i haven't since. i don't mean to make excuses but that's just not the kind of person i am. i regret it badly, especially the fact that i'll have to carry it with me for the rest of my life.

 

the real problem is that while my girlfriend says she loves me, and that she knows i'm a good person she can't help feeling disgusted and ashamed by it. i don't blame her, and in many ways i feel the same, but neither of us want this to ruin our relationship, and since i told her (a couple months ago) she can't help but be reminded of it on a fairly regular basis which causes all sorts of issues.

 

does anyone have any experience with this kind of situation or have any advice for getting past issues like this?

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The phrase "Time heals all wounds" comes to mind here, but this is obviously not the case (yet). My advise would that if the subject comes up again you try and have her see your side of it and mention that you regret the decision as well. If nothing else, that way she can understand the entire situation a little more and perhaps help her realize that it was an honest mistake and that it shouldn't be something to dwell on.

 

I would assume that the reason she is constantly reminded of it is that you guys are actively intimate. If such is the case, perhaps taking a break would also help show her that it isn't necessary for the relationship to work, or perhaps she fears one of those nasty "side effects" of hookers, in which case a simple visit to the doctor should sooth her fears there.

 

Mods, if I said anything that you felt crossed the line please let me know and I will gladly correct it myself.

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I wouldnt feel bad....

 

it was an experience. You tried it and whether you actually liked it or not you tried it. Now I wouldnt let it bother me because in order to find out you like something or not you need to fully experience it. whether you meant to or not isnt the issue. If your GF really loves you she should be OK wioth it as it was in your past. Move on man and dont dwell on it.

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The phrase "Time heals all wounds" comes to mind here, but this is obviously not the case (yet). My advise would that if the subject comes up again you try and have her see your side of it and mention that you regret the decision as well. If nothing else, that way she can understand the entire situation a little more and perhaps help her realize that it was an honest mistake and that it shouldn't be something to dwell on.

 

I would assume that the reason she is constantly reminded of it is that you guys are actively intimate. If such is the case, perhaps taking a break would also help show her that it isn't necessary for the relationship to work, or perhaps she fears one of those nasty "side effects" of hookers, in which case a simple visit to the doctor should sooth her fears there.

 

:withstupid:

Overtime she will probably forget about it but in the mean time when she brings it up like said earlier just keep saying it's something you deeply regret and she should see that as an act of good faith that you continue to admit your wrong you could also make the point you told her because you didn't want to keep any secrets in your relationship.

 

If time goes by and she doesn't seem to forget about it or care that your trying to make an effort to acknowledge that you were wrong then maybe it's a sign she not for you. Sometimes people make mistakes in there life and if she can't seem to understand that then you might run into problems farther down the road.

Edited by fire_storm

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What is your girlfriend’s problem? Is she upset you gave money directly for . instead of jewelry. Is she upset the prostitute had many open sexual trysts unlike ladies who act prim but made a life of riding the wild stallion for fun?

 

Smoking one joint doesn’t make you an addict especially if you didn’t inhale. After 5 years if you haven’t dipped into the well of forgetfulness she shouldn’t expect you to do it again.

 

Your girlfriend has no reason to feel disgusted and ashamed, she did nothing, and you just had a life experience that you wish you hadn’t.

 

My girlfriend of 32 years just became my wife and we’ve had many things that upset each other, but you just forgive, forget, and enjoy the future you have left. Life is to short to live in the past.

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that and you have to remember that in a way Marriage is the Biggest form of Legalized Prostitution....

 

you are paying for . via Marriage...it cost you much, much more....House, Car, clothes, Jewelry and all that other stuff you do to get lucky and sometimes dont...say what you will but its true....women of the oldest profession are much cheaper alternative with much less string attachment

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thanks for the replies guys!

 

I would assume that the reason she is constantly reminded of it is that you guys are actively intimate. If such is the case, perhaps taking a break would also help show her that it isn't necessary for the relationship to work,

you'd be surprised how often prostitution comes up in random conversation or the media, and that's all it takes to bring the whole thing back to the surface again. taking a break from intimate activity is pretty much a given when it's on her mind so i guess that unfortunately won't help much!

 

:withstupid:

Overtime she will probably forget about it but in the mean time when she brings it up like said earlier just keep saying it's something you deeply regret and she should see that as an act of good faith that you continue to admit your wrong you could also make the point you told her because you didn't want to keep any secrets in your relationship

that's exactly why i told her, i did choose my moment, but we have no secrets and the only small relief that came with this whole thing is that she has consistently said she's glad i didn't hide it and that it's helped a lot to build trust between us. of course as the thread title suggests i'm not so sure she's better off knowing about this, but i guess it's all or nothing if you're trying to be totally honest!

 

Your girlfriend has no reason to feel disgusted and ashamed, she did nothing, and you just had a life experience that you wish you hadn’t.

 

My girlfriend of 32 years just became my wife and we’ve had many things that upset each other, but you just forgive, forget, and enjoy the future you have left. Life is to short to live in the past.

i wish she could see it like that, but she says the thought of it is really hurting her enjoyment of our relationship. in her words she feels ashamed to be with someone that's done what i've done. she's morally against prostitution and there doesn't seem to be much of a way i can change that. before we started dating i had rationalised it in my own mind and wasn't all that bothered by it but the more we discuss it the more i share her views on the subject and that seems to make the whole thing that much worse. i really hope this is a forgive and forget kind of problem but she can't forgive me for something i didn't do to her, and it seems like forget is out of the question because there are too many ways that she can be reminded of this. i feel like if we do go for 32 years it's going to be hanging over us the entire time!

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I'm sorry Psycho, but I'm going to be brutally honest here.

 

If she can't forgive you for something that, not only do you regret, but it was 5 years before you were even together, regardless of her moral views, then you really need to re-evaluate the relationship. There's no point in trying to "build trust" if all she says it's doing is "destroying her enjoyment". (And if I'm completely honest, that's such a spiteful thing to say!)

 

You told her, knowing she wouldn't like it, and now she won't let go of something that doesn't even have anything to do with your relationship. She's being pathetic, and she knows full well that acting this way is only going to prevent you from being honest in the future.

 

Again, I apologise for the brutality, but this past week I've had to put up with a pathetic girlfriend of my own...

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George Carlin said it best:

 

Selling is Legal

S3x is Legal

 

Why isn't Selling S3x Legal?

 

Honestly as mentioned above it is really not that big of a deal. To be perfectly Honest if it was me, I would most likely never even have mentioned it.

It is no different then having slept with someone else before you got with your wife.

 

Ive slept with more than one female in my life and my current girlfriend knows this.

 

The only thing she needs to be concerned with is that I am not sleeping with anyone else right now while I am with her lol!

 

Just make sure you are a faithful guy and all should be well.

Just my 2cents: If this is something your GF/Wife cannot drop and brings back to you and it makes you feel bad about yourself.

 

You may want to leave that relationship because if you cant sit down with her and make her forgive and forget their is a very good chance she will stick that on you for the rest of your life.

Not trying to sound mean or anything but I have seen issues with topics like this in the past with many people. One of my Aunt's and Uncle have this issue and my Aunt hates it when he brings up something that happen 25+ years ago.

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I'm sorry Psycho, but I'm going to be brutally honest here.

 

If she can't forgive you for something that, not only do you regret, but it was 5 years before you were even together, regardless of her moral views, then you really need to re-evaluate the relationship. There's no point in trying to "build trust" if all she says it's doing is "destroying her enjoyment". (And if I'm completely honest, that's such a spiteful thing to say!)

 

You told her, knowing she wouldn't like it, and now she won't let go of something that doesn't even have anything to do with your relationship. She's being pathetic, and she knows full well that acting this way is only going to prevent you from being honest in the future.

i appreciate that you didn't sugar coat it, and that's actually why the 'spiteful' comment was made. really it's just her being as honest as she can be, and i don't think she meant it to be mean. as you kind of said, she does know that reacting the way she has been is going to be a problem for numerous reasons, and it is frustrating, but i can't find it in myself to be angry at her for feeling the way she does about this. even if it was in the past, we are what we've done and even if i do regret it she has a right to see me however she pleases.she does want to get over this, and she knows it shouldn't be as big a deal as it currently is, but there doesn't seem to be any way either of us can see to get to that point!

 

other than this things between us are great for the most part, so i can't even consider splitting up over this, in fact the reason it worries me so much is that it seems like it's just going to slowly drive a wedge between us!

 

Just my 2cents: If this is something your GF/Wife cannot drop and brings back to you and it makes you feel bad about yourself.

 

You may want to leave that relationship because if you cant sit down with her and make her forgive and forget their is a very good chance she will stick that on you for the rest of your life.

Not trying to sound mean or anything but I have seen issues with topics like this in the past with many people. One of my Aunt's and Uncle have this issue and my Aunt hates it when he brings up something that happen 25+ years ago.

 

well to be honest that is how i feel it's going to be. it's gone from her feeling bad about it to both of us feeling bad about it. i know she isn't doing it on purpose and that she wants to get over it but i've asked for her forgiveness and been pretty much refused.

Edited by psycho_terror

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why are you asking her for forgiveness...? its not like she was the Prostitute was she?

 

it has NOTHING to do with her at all its in your past before her...if she has that big of a problem with it then it means she has other issues and is holding on to this one...there is NOTHING she should be remotely concerned about...if she is understanding she wouldnt be bothered at all by this and know it is something you did in your past...

 

All she needs to be concerned with is if you frequent Prostitutes now...and that you are being faithful....if she is hung up on your past she isnt the right girl for you man...trust us

 

my wife has told me about things shes done in her past and it doesnt bother me at all...that was before me....I even told her of tryst I had in my days and she isnt one bit bothered by it....like I say...she said that was my past and I dont do those things any more...nor does she...

 

whats the issue?

 

I used to be like Barney on the Show....How I met Your Mother...but havent we all...door knobs man door knobs

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