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Official OCC Joke Thread


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#25 fariss

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 12:57 PM

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,
A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND , look how far butt kissing will take you.
A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,and Attitude will get you there, its the bull crap and butt kissing that will put you over the top.

#26 fariss

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 01:10 PM

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked: "What's on TV?"

I said: "Dust."

.......and then the fight started.

#27 fariss

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 01:12 PM

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She sais: "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.


...........and then the fight started.

#28 Onion

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 01:24 PM

I hate my wife. I told her that if I am ever in the hospital hooked up to a machine and living on fluids to just pull the plug. She stood up, unplugged the tv and threw away my beer.

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#29 fariss

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 01:15 AM

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pocket and realized that I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said: "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said: "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and she processed my application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said: "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

...and then the fight started.

#30 shadow771

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 03:28 AM

For those of you who have lived in Texas like Astro Zombie, or even visited, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)


Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick!

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two whole beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy people.


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.>

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer...


Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing!

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili...

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive!

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, it could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, burning, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ***I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he would have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........

#31 fariss

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 01:33 PM

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked: "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

.......and then the fight started.

#32 Kamikaze_Badger

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 01:56 PM

http://www.ebaumswor.../read/80502688/

Instead of posting a fresh one every couple of hours, why don't we do that?
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I witnessed regional Special Olympics and Challenge Day; there's far more intellect there than there is in internet arguments.

#33 Onion

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 02:12 PM

This one cracked me up.

* I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

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#34 road-runner

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 06:09 PM

Will I live to see 85?

I recently picked a new
primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was
doing ' fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I
couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
He asked,
'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not
doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued
ribs or sausage?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is
very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I
said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, ride a Harley,
or have a lot of .?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then,
why do you even give a .?

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#35 road-runner

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Posted 08 April 2009 - 06:10 PM

A blonde girl comes rushing home to her mum and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only count to 3 but I can count to 5. Look - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Does that mean I am special mummy?""Yes dear it does."The next day the blonde girl comes running in again and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only say the alphabet from A to C but I can go until E. Look - A, B, C, D, E. Does that mean I am special mummy?""Yes dear it does."The next day the blonde girl comes rushing home and says "Mummy mummy! Today at school we were getting changed for physical excercises and all the other girls had really flat chests but I had these ...!" She opens her blouse and reveals a humungous pair of DD breasts. "Is it because I am special mummy?""No dear it's because you are 25."



How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of catʼs mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub catʼs throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouseʼs forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighborʼs shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the goddamn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. T ake last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little f$&*#rʼs front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

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#36 fariss

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Posted 09 April 2009 - 04:17 PM

The local news station was interviewing an 84 year old lady because she had just gotten married....for the 4th time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director" she answered.
"Interesting" the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher in her 60's and now in her 80's a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married 4 men with such diverse careers.
"Easy, son," she smiled.
"I married one for the money......two for the show......three to get ready.......and four to go!"