Official OCC Joke Thread

[My_Inner_Fred]

No no, the better half wouldn't appreciate that very much.

 

Haha I don't have time for lunch. I'm so dam busy.

[SpeedCrazy]

A Little Bible Study

 

Left & Right...

 

Origin of Left & Right...

 

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the

"right" and Liberals are called the "left”.

 

By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:

 

"The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the

fool to the left." Ecclesiastes 10:2

 

Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen.

 

Can't get any simpler than that.

 

 

 

 

Spelling Lesson

 

The last four letters in American..........I Can

 

The last four letters in Republican........I Can

 

The last four letters in Democrats.........Rats

 

End of lesson.

 

Test to follow in November, 2012

Remember, November is to be set aside as rodent removal month.

Edited July 30, 2012 by SpeedCrazy

[Onion]

[Onion]

[SpeedCrazy]

Letter to Mommy from summer camp

 

Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers.. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

[SpeedCrazy]

My post was full of <br> 's and such couldn't fix it.

Edited October 24, 2012 by SpeedCrazy

[SpeedCrazy]

The Wonder of it All:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

 

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

[Cespenar]

1

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law

last night when I asked if I could borrow

a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century,' he said.

'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew

what hit it...........

 

2

Microchip Implant Allows Terrorists to Speak to God.

The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No anesthetic is required.

 

The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches and pains are extremely temporary.

Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't even notice it.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

 

Best regards,

US Marine Corps

 

3

A bloke left work one Friday afternoon.

But.. it was payday.... and instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally made it home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Then.... his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

 

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Onion]

SCIENCE JOKES! I'll explain them in the spoilers if you don't get them.

 

Have you heard about the man who froze himself to absolute zero? He's OK now.

 

 

OK, 0K, 0 Kelvin, absolute zero...

 

 

Hipster dog once said his favorite frequency was 50kHz.

 

 

Hipsters always say they like so and so, but "you might not have heard of it". The human ear cuts off at around 20kHz.

 

 

[Cespenar]

Can't find the jokes thread, so here goes.

 

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law

last night when I asked if I could borrow

a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century,' he said.

'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew

what hit it...........

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Microchip Implant Allows Terrorists to Speak to God.

The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No anesthetic is required.

 

The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches and pains are extremely temporary.

Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't even notice it.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

 

Best regards,

US Marine Corps

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A bloke left work one Friday afternoon.

But.. it was payday.... and instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally made it home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Then.... his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

 

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

How to Give a Cat a Pill

 

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

 

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

 

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12. Call fire department to retrieve the goddamn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. T ake last pill from foil wrap.

 

13. Tie the little f$&*#r's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour water down throat to wash pill down.

 

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

 

1. Wrap it in bacon.

 

2. Toss it in the air.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

DOGS Demise

A man is taking his rottweiler out for a walk on a hot day and after a while he decides to go into a bar for a drink. The bartender tells him the dog has to be tied up outside. After a few drinks, a woman walks into the bar and ask who the owner of the rottweiler is. The man proudly responds with 'Yes that is my dog, why do you ask?'

She blurts out, 'It's dead'

The owner stunned, asks 'Did you hit it with your car?'

'No, my dog killed it' comes the reply.

The bloke knowing the power of his dog, asks the women, 'Pit bull?'

The woman replies, 'No, chihuahua.'

Puzzled the bloke asks the lady 'How did your Chihuahua kill my Rotty?'

'Well I'm no vet, but I think she got stuck in his throat.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trouble in Paradise

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display

of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since

I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's

advice.

 

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

 

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

 

He's still in intensive care.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap

of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by

even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

 

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional".

 

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.

 

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

 

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

 

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

 

Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Wrong Answer!

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

 

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

 

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

 

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

 

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do

you manage it?

 

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

__________________

 

 

Bought new deodorant. Instructions said: "Remove top & push up bottom".

 

Now my a### hurts, but every time I f@rt the room smells awesome.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The background to this joke is that nearly every rigger in Australia seems to be from New Zealand.

 

Why haven't the Kiwis put a man on the moon ?

"We ran out of scaffolding bro"

---------------------------------------------------------------

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break,

in their soon-to be, new store.

 

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is

going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're

selling.'

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious

Australian walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Australian

accent asked 'What are you selling here?'

 

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling morons.'

Without skipping a beat, the Australian said, 'You are doing well ...

only two left!'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .

Usually she slept through the class.

 

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

 

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind

Her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted

Mary Margaret.

 

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

 

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, '

Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

 

The Nun asked her a third question..'What did Eve say to Adam after she

had her twenty-third child?'

 

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

 

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn

thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

 

The nun fainted.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

HEALTH MESSAGE:

 

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be

immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.

 

AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!

 

3 of Osama's brothers are known to be in Australia. They have managed to capture two of them - Bin Smokin and Bin Drinking - but they're yet to find Bin Workin...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The recession has hit everybody really hard…

 

- My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

- Wives are having . with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

- CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

- A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

- I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

- If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

- McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

- My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

- A picture is now only worth 200 words.

- When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Resurrection is offline

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Another example of the underlying genius nature of men!

Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

 

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

 

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them.. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

 

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

 

That deer EXPLODED.. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

 

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope..

 

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand. ..kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

 

Did you know that deer bite?

 

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

 

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

 

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

 

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day..

 

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

 

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

 

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

 

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

 

All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Larry Is In The Hospital . . . ....

 

Who in the hell is Larry?

 

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says

"Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

 

"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

 

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

 

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

 

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and

blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

 

Larry is in the Hospital, Room # 233 ! ! ! !

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

True !

 

If a Conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.

 

If a Greenie doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

 

If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.

 

If a Greenie is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for

everyone.

 

If a Conservative is a sodomite, he quietly leads his life.

 

If a Greenie is a sodomite, he demands legislated respect.

 

If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his

situation.

 

A Greenie wonders who is going to take care of him.

 

If a Conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.

 

Greenies demand that those they don't like be shut down.

 

If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.

 

A Greenie non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

 

If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for

it, or may choose a job that provides it.

 

A Greenie demands that the rest of us pay for his health care.

 

If a Conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a

good laugh.

 

A Greenie will delete it because he is "offended".

---------------------------------------------------------

I walked into a car showroom last night.

 

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

 

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

 

I said, "You do now."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Australia Post have created and marketed a new stamp displaying a picture

of the current Prime

Minister of Australia, Ms Gillard.

 

The prime minister had requested a recall of the stamps following concerns

that they weren't sticking.

 

Australia Post recently suspended a recall of the stamps after the findings

of a special Senate Committee were released.

 

The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes

and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of $1.85 million, a special Senate

Committee led by the leader of the Greens, Bob Brown, presented the

following findings:

 

1) The stamp is in perfect order.

2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[SpeedCrazy]

Official Joke Thread. Its stickied in the entertainment section.

[Muchoman1]

Thanks for the wall-o-jokes, made a slow uni day go a little better