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Official OCC Joke Thread


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#13 Andrewr05

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Posted 27 March 2009 - 04:39 AM

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metalbar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt Heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic Parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a ###### tool: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.[/size]

Thems are good...

ona5.png

If you see the cops - LEAVE.

If the cops are coming - Don't be there.
If you show up and the cops are already there - DISAPPEAR.
Anyplace the cops are and you aren't, is a good day

:yes: 

Rig specs:

Spoiler

#14 fariss

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Posted 30 March 2009 - 02:56 AM

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?'

'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.

'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers
An fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'

'Sure is, Bubba.'

'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'

'Yep.'

'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'

'That's right,' said the lawyer.'
'But why are you asking?'

'Well, I was thinkin...

What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'

#15 fariss

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Posted 31 March 2009 - 12:21 AM

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

#16 road-runner

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Posted 01 April 2009 - 05:50 AM

> > > Medical
> >
> conference
> > >
> > >
> > > An Israeli doctor said to a
> >
> medical conference, "Medicine in my
> > country is so advanced, we
> >
> can take a kidney out of one person, put it
> > into another and
> >
> have him looking for work in six
> > weeks!"
> > >
> > >
> >
> The German doctor stood up and said,
> > "Well medicine in my county
> >
> is so advanced, we can take a lung out of
> > one person and put it
> >
> into another and have him looking for work
> > on 4 weeks"
> > >
> >
>
> > > The Russian doctor got up and said "My
> country is
> >
> >
> even more advanced, we can remove half a
> > heart from one person,
> >
> put it into another and have them both
> > looking for work in just
> >
> 2 weeks!"
> > >
> > > Not to be outdone, the American
> >
> doctor stood up and addressed the
> > conference, "Well", he said,
> >
> "My country is so far advanced in
> > medicine, we can take an
> >
> butthole out of Chicago , put him in the
> > White House, and have
> >
> half the country looking for work in 24
> >
> hours!"

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#17 Onion

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Posted 01 April 2009 - 03:58 PM

What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?

They are both screwed once they are on their backs! LOLOLOL!

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#18 road-runner

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Posted 03 April 2009 - 05:30 PM

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine..

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in
the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and
he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well..

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough toget out of jury duty.

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#19 road-runner

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Posted 03 April 2009 - 05:37 PM

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed."

The Lord continued, "But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark. Here are the specifications for the ark."

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Remember! Six months and it will start to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents.

The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?"

A lighting bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. Let me explain. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction and your plans did not meet the code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard. So, I had to get a variance from the city's planning board."

"Now, then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark because

there was a ban on cutting trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the US Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them. So, no owls."

"Next, when I started gathering up the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the Environmental Protection Agency notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. They told me that if they couldn't see it, it didn't exist."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe. They didn't think that was funny."

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunity Commission and the Civil Rights Commission over the number of minorities I'm supposed to hire."

"The Internal Revenue Service has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country without a passport and without processing all the animals to make sure of no contagious diseases.

Also, I just got a notice from the state that I need an inspection sticker, certificate of approval for water and land use, and I must pay personal property tax before I can get a license. You know, Lord, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years,"

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smile, "You mean you are not going to destroy the world, Lord?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government has beaten me to it."

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#20 Andrewr05

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Posted 03 April 2009 - 05:57 PM

bwahahahaha!
:lol:

ona5.png

If you see the cops - LEAVE.

If the cops are coming - Don't be there.
If you show up and the cops are already there - DISAPPEAR.
Anyplace the cops are and you aren't, is a good day

:yes: 

Rig specs:

Spoiler

#21 Boinker

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Posted 03 April 2009 - 06:58 PM

Well roadrunner you successfully performed operation "my head meeting floor in laughter" :lol: .

Here is one for you guys.

Three men in a line walk into a bar....... Why didn't the third or second guy duck?

A car load of blonds are going to disney land. they spot the sign that said "Disney land left". so they went home.

How do you Drown a blond. glue a scratch and snif to the bottom of a pool.

Who wants to hear the story of jack SH$&?

Or how many animals a panty hose can hold?

Edited by boinker, 03 April 2009 - 06:58 PM.

"It works Because I threatened it. :lol:" - " did you show it the sledgehammer" - "No, A flight of stairs"
"I don't want to be much of a forum Nazi but this situation calls for a hail Bosco and blitzkrieg someone".

If that does not fix it I hop in a Timber Wolf and Blast it to microscopic Particles.

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#22 road-runner

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 06:37 AM

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:

Oil Change:

$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00
==========


Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter,kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Cool Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20..00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right

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#23 Kamikaze_Badger

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 07:09 AM

The Secretary of State decides that he wants to see how the four main branches of the armed forces are doing in combat readiness. Given that right now most combat is urban, he has four houses built in a training field, and assigns one to each major force, telling them to secure it.

The Army pulls in a convoy, sets up a perimeter around the building, and assigns a helicopter to circle around it.

The Marines throw a flashbang through a window, break down the door, and blast every room.

The Navy sends in one man to cut off the electricity and phone wires.

The Air Force takes out a three year lease with the option to buy.
Is my Razer Diamondback retro yet?
s

Graciously recommended from KB, is some muffricken Christian death metal. It is a must hear, it pushes envelopes, explores new ground. Words can't describe just now incredibly awesome this is. Cue the alter smashing, bench flipping, and bible reading while thrashing away at guitars and drums.

I witnessed regional Special Olympics and Challenge Day; there's far more intellect there than there is in internet arguments.

#24 Andrewr05

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 07:47 AM

Thats a good one RR...
:lol:

ona5.png

If you see the cops - LEAVE.

If the cops are coming - Don't be there.
If you show up and the cops are already there - DISAPPEAR.
Anyplace the cops are and you aren't, is a good day

:yes: 

Rig specs:

Spoiler